So 2008 was a globetrotting year; no surprises there. I spent some of it in America, some in Japan, and some in Australia. As I’m getting ready to leave Brisbane, I thought I ought to give a thorough report of the best and worst of all worlds, the things I loved and hated about each country I’ve lived in this year. Who knows? Maybe next year will bring a pro/con list weighted much differently. That’s really up to 2009.

Australia (***)

Thumbs Down Australia
I spent more money one month in Australia than I did one semester in LA (and one summer in Tokyo) and got about half for it. I had to let go of bushwalking and island hopping: of the eight getaway vacations I planned, six fell through, got cancelled, or were impossible to actually arrive at due to the flaws of Queensland’s public transit system, though New South Wales’ and Victoria’s aren’t any better. I had difficulty eating because the food is decisively English (from blood pudding to meat pies to treacle tart) and the Australian’s aren’t any better than the Spanish when it comes to throwing meat in places where it doesn’t need to or shouldn’t be (e.g., on toast, pureed as a spread, salt, or in anything labelled “vegetarian”). I can only find international news coverage on Fox, and cannot find non-reality (or non-trashy) television altogether. I considered faking a mental breakdown in the middle of several lectures just so I wouldn’t have to sit through more awfully dull, poorly constructed, terribly produced Australian national films or hear Peter Weir’s name one more time. I also scorned the country’s involvement with cricket, which to me will always seem like the bad move for any country. I realised after the housing request deadline passed that the age difference between 17 and 21 cannot be shrugged off, especially in a dorm setting, especially when the drinking age is 18, especially when you’re the only major who doesn’t have a car. I am not the only one who cannot stomach a 14:00 schooner of Irish lager every weekday, and of those of us that cannot, I guarantee none of us are Australian. I discovered Australia is two decades behind everyone else in everything from telecommunications to fashion. I witnessed more gaudy patterns and tactlessly cut sun dresses than I knew could possibly exist. I also learned that along with the asymmetrical haircut and the eyebrow piercing, Australia invented Uggs. I have been told 95% of Australia’s land is a desolate waste, and don’t particularly care to verify that claim. And lastly, I’d get better mobile reception and internet connections calling Alice Springs from Siberia than I would signing into SunCorp from Sydney.

Thumbs Up Australia
I will say first and foremost that Australia is a country of extraordinary natural beauty, and the only continent to feature all five ecosystems from desert to rainforest. I was also astounded by the marine life and aquatic habitats that can be found near the country’s extensive beaches, and I’m not just talking about the coral reefs. I admit that the Australians are a beautiful bunch of people who are generally tall, blonde, tan, and fit, with a friendly air that is kind to the foreigner. I rather enjoyed UQ as well, even if I didn’t like my programme, or the bureaucracy, or the classes I took, or my campus college, but the institution is a good one. And I cannot deny the superb tastiness of the country’s Tim Tam biscuits, flat white coffees, and excellent (and highly popular) paninis. I was invited more than once to a cookout (since they happen every weekend) and found the pastime to be a relaxing one. I also enjoyed the Australian beer — Toohey’s, XXXX, and Cooper’s — though not as much as their international competition. I let myself become addicted to AFL (footy) and cheered on the right side of a winning team. I was in the country long enough to see the Australian Dollar halve itself in value. I agreed with the reasoning behind Australia having more World Heritage listed sites than any other country. I visited the largest sand island in the world and viewed flora and fauna that cannot be seen anywhere else on the globe (the platypus were my favourite). I lost several weekends to festival revelry, notably 10 days in August for Ekka!, the Queen’s royal show. I was not surprised to discover that, along with Perfect Potion and 95% of the globe’s opal supply, most of the world’s surf clothing companies were birthed in Australia: Billabong, Von Zipper, and Rip Curl (the rest come from California). I greatly enjoyed Australian local bands as well, who do house music just as well as they do electro-rock. And lastly, I spent loads of time on beautiful, sunny beaches with perfect waves, white sand and crystal clear, warm waters.

Japan (*****)

Thumbs Down Japan
expensive, fruit was hard to find, jap-talian, kanji (writing for proper nouns), expensive, lack of japanese language skills, ATMs, expensive, post-22:00 Roppongi-dori, Kyoto bus system, ¥3,000 shot bar, passerby vomit, strange affinity for raw egg, expensive, chican salarymen (serial gropers), long commutes, child abduction laws, humidity, daytime television, heinously expensive medical system, getting stared at, street stabbings, no ovens (in homes), bullying, omnipresence of hentai manga (anime porn), generally expensive, acceptance of smoking

Thumbs Up Japan
Mori tower, restaurant quality, overwhelming numbers of coin lockers, ramen noodles, nighttime television, genba (club/music scene), sushi even I liked, obsession with electronics, udon noodles, cute stilettos, JR and metro system, kind citizens, romaji (writing in roman letters), how everyone wears said stilettos, onsen (hot springs), soba noodles, mt. fuji, roasted sweet potatoes, baseball league, urban design, beer, custom of not tipping, MosBurger and R Burger, 24 hour kombini (convenience stores), every stop on the F! line, instant noodles, seafood, yoyogi park on a Sunday, Enjoy! house, gossipy women in the workplace that treat you like their own children, naginata (like a scythe only scarier), films, open container policy, non-threatening (polite even?) nature of homeless, somen noodles, shiki theatre co, sweet cream (really rich soft serve), ease of being a vegetarian, proliferation of vending machines (and thus green tea), noodles in general, incredible skyline

America (****)

Thumbs Down America
Dear America, for the improvement of your self-image, as support of your citizens, and in the name of all that is holy, please reconsider the following:

Subpar public transit in the cities of Los Angles, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Houston, Seattle, and Portland

The dollar coin in any form, Sacagawea or Susan B. Anthony or otherwise

Sarah Palin

The abomination known as fast food (this includes deep fried Oreos and Monte Cristo sandwiches)

Cosmetic surgery, especially to those under the age of 30

Packages containing the following anywhere on its label: Non-Fat, 100 Calorie, I Can’t Believe It’s Not, Contains No Real, cheesefood, high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oil, fully hydrogenated oil, bacon flavoured, red 40, made in China

Microsoft products, namely Windows Vista

Actually dropping that A-bomb

Oprah Winfrey’s continued popularity

Killing the electric car, not signing the Kyoto Agreement, or failing to enforce or research new environmental standards

Soulja Boy

Impossible parking and unspeakable traffic in top 10 major cities

Chemists that don’t actually do anything

Corporate greed and credit card debt

Thumbs Up America
Dear America, in an effort to be fair and in order to prevent you from becoming depressed after reading the last letter, please find the following done well:

French fries

The interstate system and its road-trip implications

Natalie Portman and Edward Norton

California in general: the Governator, San Francisco, mexican food, Hollywood, right on red, Current TV, gay marriage, surfing, Yosemite, the UC schools, In-N-Out, etc.

Keeping me from dying of Cholera or Scarlet Fever

Delivery pizza

Successful revolution against British imperialism

Hip hop

The Internet

Coming of age stories

Widespread civil liberties

Benjamin Franklin

Popularising fruit pie